Healing From Dissociation: Understanding Bonding and Baby Steps to Connection
Healing from Dissociation: Understanding Bonding and Baby Steps to Connection
Dissociation is often misunderstood, but for those of us who have learned to use it as a coping mechanism, it feels all too familiar. It’s the feeling of being here, but not really here—floating somewhere outside of ourselves, avoiding the overwhelming emotions we can’t face. For someone with complex PTSD (cPTSD), dissociation becomes a survival tool, a way to protect ourselves from pain we can’t bear. But as we begin to heal, we start to see the cost.
Dissociation isn’t just about checking out in moments of crisis; it seeps into every part of our lives, especially our relationships. We disconnect when intimacy knocks on the door, even when it’s safe. We drift away emotionally, putting walls up with the people who care about us. What once kept us safe now sabotages the very connections we need for true healing.
The Challenge of Bonding Hormones: When Good Feels Bad
As humans, we’re wired for connection. Our bodies produce bonding hormones—like oxytocin—that help us feel close and secure with others. But for those of us who have lived with dissociation and cPTSD, those very hormones can feel terrifying.
Oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” is released when we hug, hold hands, or engage in any kind of closeness. It’s supposed to feel good—warm, safe, calming. But for someone who has spent years in survival mode, it can feel the opposite. Feeling close to someone, trusting them, and letting our guard down is not just uncomfortable—it can feel dangerous.
Why? Because for so long, we’ve associated closeness with hurt, betrayal, or neglect. Our brains have learned that avoiding intimacy equals safety. Cortisol—the stress hormone—has become our constant companion. When cortisol is high, we feel anxious and on edge, but it’s familiar. Bonding hormones? Those feel foreign, like a threat. We push people away before we can get close enough to feel vulnerable.
The Path to Healing: Baby Steps Toward Bonding
Healing from dissociation and learning to embrace healthy connection doesn’t happen overnight. It requires small, intentional steps—steps that help our bodies slowly unlearn the need for constant cortisol and rediscover the safety in bonding.
One of the first things to understand is that bonding is a practice, just like healing is a process. It’s not about forcing ourselves into deep relationships or expecting instant change. Instead, we take baby steps. We engage in small, safe interactions that gently activate bonding hormones without overwhelming us. Over time, these steps create a new kind of emotional muscle memory.
Here’s what that might look like:
- Physical Touch: Start small. Maybe it’s as simple as holding someone’s hand for a few seconds longer than usual. Or offering a hug when it feels safe. Touch is one of the most direct ways to release oxytocin, but it doesn’t have to be all at once. Baby steps.
- Meaningful Conversation: Let yourself open up—just a little bit. Share a thought or feeling with someone you trust, even if it’s a small one. Engaging in meaningful connection slowly introduces your brain to the idea that sharing can feel good, not scary.
- Mindful Presence: Practice being present with someone, even if it’s for a few moments. Try not to dissociate or drift away. Sit with the discomfort of staying grounded in the interaction. The more we stay present, the more we teach our bodies that it’s okay to be here, now.
- Self-Compassion: Learning to bond with others often starts with learning to bond with yourself. Practice self-care and self-compassion. Do things that nurture you, and let yourself feel that warmth. When we learn to treat ourselves kindly, it becomes easier to accept kindness from others.
Absolutely—dissociation affects every type of relationship, whether it’s parenting, friendships, or even our relationship with ourselves. When we’ve spent so long using dissociation as a coping mechanism, it becomes hard to engage meaningfully with the people we care about, even when we truly want to.
Dissociation in Parenting: A Struggle to Be Present
For parents who have learned dissociation, staying present with their children can feel like one of the hardest tasks. Parenting demands constant emotional availability, and children need to feel seen, heard, and understood. But when dissociation kicks in, we can find ourselves mentally checking out, even during important moments. We’re physically there, but emotionally distant.
This emotional absence can create a sense of disconnection between parent and child. We may not be able to fully engage with their needs or emotions, leaving them feeling alone or unsupported, even if we love them deeply. The challenge is especially tough when bonding hormones like oxytocin are at play. Children naturally trigger these hormones, but for a parent with cPTSD, this surge of closeness can feel overwhelming. The intimacy of parenting—a child depending on us emotionally—can sometimes feel more frightening than fulfilling.
Healing here often begins with forgiving ourselves for not being the “perfect parent.” It’s about understanding that the goal isn’t perfection, but presence. Starting with small moments of engagement—like sitting with our child during playtime, making eye contact, or simply being mindful in their presence—can slowly build a new bond. With time, these small moments can replace the tendency to disconnect, allowing us to embrace the closeness parenting requires.
Friendships: The Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability
Friendships also suffer when dissociation becomes our go-to defense mechanism. Friendships are built on vulnerability, mutual support, and shared experiences. But when we’ve learned to dissociate, we often shy away from these elements. We might struggle to open up, feeling as if our emotional guard is always up, or we may find it difficult to maintain consistent contact, especially when life gets overwhelming.
For friends, this can be confusing and painful. They may not understand why we seem to withdraw when things are going well, or why we’re emotionally unavailable during moments that should bring us closer. The bonding hormones that naturally flow in close friendships—like during a heartfelt conversation or when offering and receiving support—can feel threatening, pushing us further into avoidance.
Healing in friendships involves taking small risks—allowing ourselves to be a bit more vulnerable each time. Instead of withdrawing, we can try staying present through discomfort, sharing a little more of ourselves than we usually would. Like in parenting, it’s about baby steps toward connection, teaching our brains that closeness in friendships doesn’t equal danger.
Building Connection One Step at a Time
In both parenting and friendships, the healing journey is slow but possible. The key lies in taking small, manageable steps toward allowing bonding hormones to do their work, rather than falling into cortisol-driven avoidance. Whether it’s through a longer hug, a meaningful conversation, or simply staying present for an extra minute, these baby steps create new pathways for connection.
By understanding how dissociation impacts every relationship, and by recognizing the fear that bonding hormones can provoke, we begin to reclaim our ability to form meaningful bonds. With time, patience, and self-compassion, we can break free from dissociation’s hold, rebuilding connections with the people who matter most—our children, our friends, and ourselves.
The Gift of Healthy Bonding
One of the most surprising things about this journey is that, while bonding hormones may feel scary at first, they’re also deeply healing. The more we let ourselves experience healthy connections, the more our brains start to associate closeness with safety, rather than fear.
Over time, the pattern of avoidance starts to fade, replaced by a new pattern: seeking out the warmth and security that healthy relationships provide. We learn to welcome connection rather than avoid it. We start to build bonds that don’t just “feel good” on the surface, but also help us heal from the inside out.
The process is slow, and that’s okay. It’s about taking one small step at a time, rewiring our brains to trust in something new. And with each baby step, we move a little closer to the kind of connection that nourishes, rather than harms.
Healing from dissociation isn’t easy, but it’s possible. By understanding the role of bonding hormones, and how they can feel unsettling at first, we give ourselves permission to take the journey at our own pace. With each step, we find that it’s not just about surviving anymore—it’s about learning to thrive in connection with others, and with ourselves.
